Cerise

I've been reflecting on my own experiences and not in any one of the relationships I had did I initiate it. Did I try to initiate contact with any girl without her first signalling it's okay for me to try? Yes, but none of those went anywhere. In the relationships that did happen, was I the initiator? At the time I felt like I was, but on reflection I must admit, I wasn't. It was always the girl who started it. Girls have a way of making you feel you are taking the lead.

Cerise and I fucked a few times. It was a long affair spread over a number of years. She was still married the first time we fucked, but later after her divorce we continued to irregularly get together. It was never a committed relationship. I would have loved it to be, but she had feelings for me that I found difficult to understand ... she'd be hugely demanding, one could even describe it as needy, for a week or two and then disappear for months. It felt like she came to me when the relationship she was in was going through a bad patch.

The "messages" she gave me, that it was okay for me to venture into a more intimate interaction with her, were subtle and with lots of time passing between messages.

We met at a golf club party. We worked for the same business/company. She was in a different building. One day, quite a while after we first met, I received an envelope from her in the internal mail. That was the first "message" I was aware of ... there may have been others, but too subtle for me to notice. I forget what the subject of the item was. It was not personal. It may have been business related or could have had something to do with the golf club - I was on the golf club committee at the time. What I do remember very clearly is the fragrance ... I opened the envelope and the perfume hit my senses like body blow. There was no mistaking it for accidental ... this was not fragrance from her hands as she handled the letter ... it was concentrated, like she'd knocked the bottle over onto it ... it was deliberate. And I knew she wanted me to know it was deliberate. 

It had the effect I assume she intended it should have. I began fantasizing about her. The more I thought about her the more irresistible she became. But nothing happened. Or rather I was not prepared to rush in and do stuff. She was married. Two small children.

It was quite a while after the perfume letter that things ticked up a notch. She came to my office on a few occasions, just walk in and chat about nothing in particular or everything in general for a few minutes.

She often told me I made her feel good about herself and attractive. 

There would be long silences during which she'd just look at me without blinking or looking away. She had striking eyes, very dark brown. Brown eyes and blonde hair ... a striking combination. I would not say she was pretty. Very attractive for sure, big breasts, softly rounded figure and she was not shy about wearing very low cut tops.

On one of these occasions she came into my work space with buttons undone to below her breasts. She caught me staring and just smiled at me for a long moment. Then she said, I suppose I had better do up a few buttons before I go back to my office, but she did nothing to fasten those buttons ... subtext: it's okay for you to look at my tits but I don't want others at work to. After a few more minutes she slowly fastened the lowest two buttons, got up and left, throwing me a smile over her shoulder as she walked out.

We exchanged occasional emails. Over a long period we slowly acknowledged our attraction for one another, but we did not do anything physical. We never spoke about her being married with small children, but I think it was kinda recognized as the single big factor that stopped us from becoming more involved. It was quite a silly, awkward situation. 

I was transferred, sent to start a new project in a remote division of the company. Before I left there was one episode in which our restraint was relaxed. It happened at the golf club. I came out of the men's dressing room and she was in the passage. There was nobody else around. We just kept walking towards one another. It was like two magnets drawn to one another ... there was no hesitation from her ... she just walked into my arms and we kissed ... just one kiss, not a word. Then we both let go and walked on in opposite directions. It was exhilaration and sadness in the same moment.

I finished the project. We exchanged occasional emails. I then moved to a more permanent address. Cerise's mother lived in the same city. I got a call from Cerise out of the blue one day. She was in visiting her mother, no kids, no husband, can we meet?

She came to my office at about closing time and without a word we walked towards where my car was parked. She was wearing a revealing top, a very open weave, loose fitting off-one-shoulder sweater. It was obvious she had no bra under it. She hooked her arm through mine and said, we won't allow anyone to get hurt, will we? I still don't know for sure what it meant but at the time I thought it probably meant, we are going to fuck, but it must not affect my marriage or my children.

We drove to my place. She was the first girl (LOL of two) who'd ever looked at my cock, like look with intent and/or interest. Not furtively. She openly did it. For several seconds ... not lustfully ... I felt she did it with a purpose ... what am I about to allow you to push into my body?

I drove her back to where her car was parked after midnight.