I'm Becoming A Zombie!!! (Fun, Humorous, And Totally True)

In 8th or 9th grade, we all had to take the required "health class", which was, of course, just a kind way of saying "sex ed".

Well, by that point in time, I had been masturbating regularly,every night all snug and naked under the covers. (Gee, why were my sheets so crusty?) But that's another topic.

Anyways, in "health class", our teacher, one of our gym teachers, Mr. Wagner (decent guy, good coach) was explaining how our sperm determines things like our eye color and our personality.

Well, I misunderstood.

I thought, "Oh crap - if I keep doing that thing I do at night, I'm going to LOSE MY PERSONALITY!!!"

I imagined myself becoming a soulless zombie type of person with no eye color. I was freaking TERRIFIED!

Well, I don't remember how I figured out I didn't have to worry about it 'cuz I went on my way, masturbating to my heart's content and thoroughly enjoying the life of a pubescent teenage boy.

Totally true!